My life just isn't the same. I mean that in the best way possible, yet each new season of life has it's particular challenges. For the past few years, I've celebrated Lent. I would go to an Ash Wednesday service, choose something to give up (coffee, shopping, Facebook, TV, etc), and then celebrate Easter by allowing myself that indulgence, in smaller more moderate amounts, again. In the past, I have always known what needed to go or to be brought back under control, but not this year. I mean I have things I would love to eliminate from my life: stress, anxiety, and a too-full calendar, but unfortunately I can't fast from my responsibilities. And to be honest, much of my life already seems fairly pared down as the majority of my time is divided between work and church (I mean Pinterest might be a future option, but right now it's my saving grace when it comes to recipes and wedding planning).

All these factors combine to make this season of Lent, like so many other areas of my life right now, feel uneasy, uncertain, and unsettled. I'm not quite where I would want to be as it relates to having lots of time for reflection and a handle on all the emotional and spiritual nuances of my soul. I'm attempting to keep tabs on what I'm feeling and why during this busy season, but it's not something I'm excelling at if I'm honest. So my hope for this Easter is that it will serve as a reminder and opportunity to celebrate the fact that in the midst of so much change and so many unknowns, my reason for hope remains unchanged and continues to exceed my expectations, not always in the big, flashy ways but often in the small, intimate ways like a conversation with a friend or a cup of coffee with my fiance. But the absolutely best part of this hope ... it doesn't rely on me in any way. I wonder if Easter morning as I reflect on Christ's sacrifice in light of the absence of my own sacrifice, if I'll have a renewed sense of what grace really means. I can only hope.

It's here ... 2012! Last year flew by in a flurry of firsts with Kyle and I as we grew in our relationship and learned how to live two separate ministry lives together, and now so much more change looms on the horizon. Sometimes I can hardly believe how different life is and how things that I prayed so fervently for have been answered. Yet like those infuriating children's bop-it games, new requests surface and weigh on my heart. Friends are struggling with serious illness and infertility, students are hurting and broken, and important details about the future remain unknown. So my resolution for this year is joy. Not happiness for the sake of being happy or not being sad. But joy. In my best moments, each of these sorrows and worries remind me of the fact that I am utterly dependent on Him and that He is the source of my provision and hope, but in my flesh I am often overwhelmed by the depth of suffering around me. And I'm terrible at remaining resolute, which is why I rarely make a big deal out of the New Year's phenomenon of making goals, but something our pastor said this past Sunday about our goals and resolutions revealing our heart's true desires made me realize that I do want to aim for something this year. I want to be less anxious, more loving, and more faithful, but undergirding all of that I want joy. I've lived enough life to know that things will be hard, sad, challenging, scary, and sometimes just plain awful, but the one thing I can do is seek to grow in trusting my faithful Savior and finding joy in knowing Him regardless of what's happening around me. 

"Joy is not the same as pleasure or happiness. A wicked and evil man may have pleasure, while any ordinary mortal is capable of being happy. Pleasure generally comes from things, and always through the senses; happiness comes from humans through fellowship. Joy comes from loving God and neighbor. Pleasure is quick and violent, like a flash of lightning. Joy is steady and abiding, like a fixed star. Pleasure depends on external circumstances, such as money, food, travel, etc. Joy is independent of them, for it comes from a good conscience and love of God."

-Bishop Fulton J. Sheen

"Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terribly frightened, but the angel reassured them. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I bring you good news of great joy for everyone! The Savior -- yes, the Messiah, the Lord -- has been born tonight in Bethlehem, the city of David! "

-Luke 2:9-11